Another stab at journaling?

I have a deadline tomorrow that I have been putting off for weeks now. So, at 1:13 on Monday morning, I find myself sitting in the kitchen and anxiously waiting for creativity to take over my ADHD.

Maybe what I need to do is reflect and write down everything that has been happening so I don't have to think about it anymore.

So, Scott and I broke up kind of a while ago (technically early June?), of my own accord. The thing is, things got all fucked by the end because of the need for labels, barriers and rules. It became this stupid obsession on both of our parts and rather than try and work it out and make things okay, he fucked someone else and became a huge dick about it to me. Believe you me, I was no sunny day either.
Now being removed from the situation for quite a while, I feel very strange about that whole relationship. It's as if it never even happened. I feel nothing. I don't feel nostalgia, heartache, love, hate, nothing. I just don't feel anything about it at all. Even after him posting new pictures of his lady friend, I don't even feel a connection to the man in the pictures. It's strange. It's as if we never met.

I know that going on tour really helped me this summer. The timing could not have been better. But, of course...I did meet someone. I am so the hopeless romantic and I don't even mean to be. Problem is he's 1400 miles away and broke (not that I care about money or anything, but how the fuck else is he supposed to get here?). It was fun while it lasted--the last week of tour and an extra bonus week in Portland. But, after sending him home last Wednesday, I feel empty and spent and miss him like crazy. Fuck, I'm such a relationship whore, but DATING in Portland is out of the question--it's too small and incestuous, especially if I want to date a metal/punk dude. Man, I had to import from Denver. So, instead of dating, I get stuck in these long-winded relationships. I've been hardly single the last 5 or so years. I keep thinking I want to give it a shot, but then I think about all the guessing, mind games, etc., that it all seems way too unappealing, so I just shack up with the first person I can tolerate and stay out of the dating scene. Well, it's not like I've done that A LOT, but I just know that's how I am. I'm better in relationships? Fuck, I don't think that I'm codependent or anything, I just don't want to play games and be a fucking filthy whore. Relationships keep me out of trouble I suppose.

So, Denver dude is acting weird though...there's a plane ticket waiting for him, born out of my crazy, spontaneous burst of "Why the fuck not?" at 2 am after talking to Jen for hours about wanting to be random and fun.

I don't even know if this is making sense anymore. My life was so much easier when I was with my mediocre blur of an ex boyfriend that seemed to never exist. Fuck, I hope he doesn't read this.
Oh, and I've been talking to Cole a lot more. He'll be back in a month. So crazy. I need to get back to work. FUCK.