Reflecting in NYC

I'm in New York, on my last day here.  Bjorn had to  go to work today, so rather than trying to round up anyone that I don't know/barely know or try to make something happen, I thought it would be a perfect time to reflect and read.  So far, I haven't gotten out of bed yet.

Thinking about this trip made me think about all the trips I have taken in the last 5 or so years--trips have several different functions.  Although this one was not chock-full of parties, bars (not a bad thing) and craziness, it made me realize a lot of things (plus, I got a lot of sleep).   Trips, oddly enough, seem to come at the beginning or ending of big events in my life.  Nepal was at a pertinent point in me and Cole's relationship, Europe was the first real break we had in years and the San Fran trips over the summer were connected to graduation, moving on and testing the waters with a few, new fellows and realizing that I was really, really falling for one.  I think that this trip, in particular, is a major necessity in order to be removed from everything that is changing (career, boyfriend, friends) and be thrown into new territory without my comfort-things.  No ferrets, no familiar bed, no nothing.  I am here with my bag and a million loose ideas rattling around in my head.  Now to piece them altogether is the trick.

And who knows when this will begin to happen?  Maybe on a napkin in the airport, my notebook on the plane, the back of a receipt in Portland?  All I know is that I want change, yet I lean toward stagnancy.  I want comfort, but I'm always going out of my way to be uncomfortable.   I want to be cared for, but I can't let go of my independence.   I want love, but I am unable to say the words.  I get tired of doing things for other people, but I can't fathom letting go of control.

I think one of the biggest reasons why I feel this way is that I grew up too fast--graduated college too early, fell for love too early, moved away too early, started my career too early...but I think back to when I was younger, and all I could do was think about being at this point in my life.  Now, I think back to those simpler times and I wonder why I ever wanted to get here so quick?  Why didn't I think about my life when I was living it?  It's like, when you gain something new, you have to let some of your old things die.  There's so much new and I think I'm scared to find out what has died.  

New York, New York and Malice, Malice!

New York on Friday! New York on Friday!
I have so much to do before then.
NaNoWriMo meeting today--I really need to get on this!!
My good friend, Alice, is coming to speak to my Women's Forum class about recovering from Heroin almost a decade ago. --->

We watched the HBO documentary (Black Tar Heroin: The Dark End of the Street) she was in last week and it really got to a lot of people--the best part was that they were having connections to their own lives and had excellent questions to ask her.
I hung out with her yesterday and she seemed really excited--she was telling the other girls at her work that she was going to give advice to the "youth of America."

Anyway,
I have a ton of stuff to be doing and am totally procrastinating by sitting here and writing.

New York sooo soon!!

Week From Hell, Last Words?, Halloween

This last week was crazy busy. I worked around 50 hours in 4 days. I will, however, get paid extra for it and get some grad school credits out of the way so that I don't have to scramble before I renew my license in a few years.

I had to attend 2 7-hour sessions of a "Proficiency-Based" Credit seminar. It was somewhat redundant and is basically what I do anyway, but I think it's great that Portland Public School District is adopting it and paying us to learn about it. It also means that I have my work cut out for me in the next few weeks.

I had a few back and forth emails with Cole in the last week--a lot of which resulted in a mutual enigma in which we both have no idea when or if we should talk again. But, it was too much to think about in the midst of my crazy week.

Halloween came and went and I couldn't keep my mind off of how unlike Halloween it felt like. It was officially, my first Halloween that did not really feel like Halloween, but I guess that is what it is to grow up. I tried my hardest to try and find something clever, but I did not feel like buying a large pleather naughty-nun outfit, which was just about the last thing at the Halloween store. What was I thinking shopping on the day of!?? They were already busy installing Christmas decorations (seriously??) . So, I called Jamey and he luckily had a readily-available Russian military outfit for me, with matching gun, and the coolest hat that is difficult to part with!

Scott went off to work as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and promptly became a human-sized sponge in the rain.
When he got home, we went to the Aveda Institute to get our facials (yes, facials...I wanted to treat him to a nice spa day after a long week and after a pretty good paycheck I got earlier that day). It was kind of weird. Scott decided on Mad Max as his 2nd costume change of the day. So, net shirt, leather jacket, tight pants and big boots were in order and possibly not the best choice for going to have your face massaged and shit. But, it was relaxing and he enjoyed himself. We stood in the mirror for like an hour, examining our pores and talking about toner and exfoliation. Weird, I know. But somehow, we enjoy it and can't get enough of each other.

Oh! And I got to see Bloodhag last night! It was awesome! They play songs about books and authors (namely science fiction) and throw out free sci-fi books to the audience, and praise those who have their library cards on them! They were totally awesome. I got to dork out a bit with the singer afterwards--however, he did NOT guess who the author is on the inside of my arm. He didn't even want to try. Darn it. I did get to gush that I'm a high school English teacher that feels very strongly about incorporating the things that you love--such as books/authors and metal. He did sign the book that I caught from him.

I am off to Mike Thrash's house for a vegan family dinner and then Jamey is so graciously conducting an "Uninformed Voters' Party" where he will explain, in simple English, the ballot measures to Scott, Jenn and me. I need to get that ballot off ASAP.

My school is doing a cute, fake election on Tuesday night; we voted last week and we're going to see how close our school was from the national elections. We're going to pop a squat in front of the TV and eat some pizza too. I'm pretty excited.

Interview, Field Trip, Outdoor School.

Today was a really great day. Scott had an interview at Dark Horse this morning and I really hope he gets it.

My students, Scott, principal, some fellow teachers and I went to see the Greek tragedy "Eurydice" at the Artist's Repertory Theater...
It was a lot of the students' first opportunity to see a play at all, let alone a really great rendition of a classic.

The kids really liked Scott and the principal liked him too! I'll have to get a full report at school tomorrow.

I have to be up early (I know! Night School my ass!) to visit a student that has so graciously donated her time to be at Outdoor School tomorrow. In return, I am graciously donating my time and hopefully I won't have to go in at all on Friday.

The weekend, a list, the future,

It was a weird weekend.

I'm frustrated with certain parts of my life that I wish I could change. I need to see a doctor soon about my hypothyroidism. I think it gets worse in the winter too--on top of having no metabolism and having to actually try and not get tired/fat, it's rainy and cold. I need to get off of my lazy ass and get over to that gym. I need to set goals for myself. I think I'm doing that first-year teacher thing where work becomes more important than health.

I don't think I'm a bad-looking broad, I'm just never happy with my body. It's funny how the past looks like in hindsight. In high school, I was never really happy about my body, but now I look back at pictures of myself and I say, "Wow, I had a pretty decent body." Why couldn't I have been happy then? I guess no one is really satisfied with what they have when they have it. (This is a picture of me today, taken from a webcam I found in my basement that Bjorn left behind)--->

One of my students has been constantly unhappy with the way things are going in her life. She thinks that no one appreciates/recognizes her, so she may as just drop out of school and become what everyone expects her to be. Wanting her to realize that there is so much more to life than high school, I had her make a list of things that make her happy/things that she has to look forward to after she graduates. Seeing as how my negativity has taken hold of me, I feel that I need to take a dose of my own medicine:

1. My family. I really love my dad, sister and mom. I'm so lucky to have a family that I can call constantly and tell everything to. I rarely hide things from them, except for new tattoos (my mom can't handle it).

2. My career. My students and co-workers make my job enjoyable and it's the first time in my life that I really feel like I am making a difference in people's lives and I absolutely love doing it.

3. My ferrets. They are my favorite roommates except that Frejya keeps shitting in my heating vents and Faulkner can't stop scratching himself right now!

4. Everything surrounding my house--my awesome roommates, my decadently-decorated room, my beautiful kitchen, etc.

5. Scott. He's the nicest person I've ever dated and he makes me feel like a million bucks.

I actually feel a little better now. I finally took my own advice for once. I know everything is going to be fine. I think I'm just feeling a little anxious because I've been talking to Cole lately and have been missing my relationship with him--mostly just the friends aspect (Cole was my entire life for a very long time--the division line between our 2 selves was nearly invisible--it's hard living here without him sometimes. I miss him terribly, ugh).

I've lately been deprived of my long-time friends and I haven't been home in almost a year (the longest amount of time yet!). I have only Portland people in my life right now, and although it's going well, there's this pull and ache to re-connect with people, especially my best friend who is nearly non-existent in my life, oddly enough following the breakup with Cole, which is when I needed her the most. I'm such a sickeningly nostalgic person. I constantly look back at old letters, pictures, journal entries...and I sicken myself with sadness. It's sick.

BUT, I look back to my list and I must realize that I have so much and I need to stop bitching. I know everything is going to be fine. I just need for the holidays to get here so I can go back to Southern California to see my family, Jessica Seeley, Jeska Rosen, and other Ventura people.

Good night.

The Examined Life...

Socrates once said, "An unexamined life is not worth living."
Well, then...I'm guilty for not examining my life lately. I have to make time to think about the things that I have done.

School has been moving along so fast. I'm really building the ship as we have already started sailing. Some students are moving faster than anticipated, but still a lot are moving slower than I had hoped. Nonetheless, I got to show one of my favorite documentaries this week to a group of about 17 people, which is a lot considering that it's night school and that attendance is spotty, at best.

There are a bunch of questionable aspects of the movie that I was worried about, but I also think that they are necessary in order to get the full impact of the movie and the nature of the situation in Sierra Leone. While I knew that the kids would have no problem with some of the language and some of the harsh, bloody images, I was somewhat scared when my principal's wife (who was substitute teaching that day) and the Social Studies teacher (60 year old or so dude) wanted to watch it as well.

We took an intermission half-way through, and the principal's wife didn't come back. Apparently, she couldn't really take it, but was very appreciative that I was showing such a shocking film dealing with such relevant issues and that the kids were genuinely into it.

Next week, we are going to a play and, of course, I'm in charge of the field trip. My principal wants to meet my "significant other." I'm more than happy to have him along (he's great!), it's just difficult for me to incorporate a new person, fully, into my life. There is a part of me that misses my old relationship, but most of me is happy to be in a healthy one. I think it's the thought of my old relationship that I miss the most--there was almost no work--everyone knew us as "together"--we moved here together, built our life together and, unfortunately, we were somewhat lost in one another and I'm still (even after 6 months) trying to find the old, independent self that I was before him.

I think I'm over-examining things because I'm on my period. That, and chocolate sounds way too interesting right now. Food Not Bombs did nothing for my gnarly sweet tooth I'm having right now.

More updates later. I'm going to see Hirax with Engorged and Superbad at the Satyricon tonight. Novelty headbanging and binge drinking (not me, of course) is about to ensue. Yay.

Final Warning, Carcass, Laibach and Vitamin X

Yes, a strange mix, you could say. Balancing school and my show-going has been easier than I thought it would be, especially with the Night School position.
I find myself always trying to combine the things that I love--no matter how ridiculous it is. I heard about a teacher in Beaverton that has a "Heavy Metal" club at school. I would love to be able to do something like this, but it requires hours outside of the school day, which is not very do-able for the Night School kids. I would even do it for any of the day school kids, but I don't want to step on any toes and make too much work for myself. Maybe this is something I will hold onto until I get a full-time teaching gig in a high school. I have enough to do in the mean time.
I'm currently making myself some ghetto-stationery that I'm just printing out onto colored paper. I need to get Leslie or some other person I know to design me some good stuff.

In other news...I had to go to the Emergency Room last night because of this stupid ear-infection thing, but it's on the outside of my ear. I've been wearing these wood plugs I bought from some street vendor in San Francisco--writing that now makes me realize that I shouldn't have been so surprised that I am allergic to it (or that anyone would be allergic to it).

Last night the Women's Forum went to go see "The Women" at Century 16 Theater. It was a pretty drab whatever movie, but a good didactic film to dissect next week in class. We're going to talk about archetypes (yay!) and stereotypes and if Hollywood destroys them or reinforces them in the film. It'll be interesting. I'm compiling that handout right now. My secretary (yes, I have a secretary...okay, so I share her with like 4 other teachers and a principal, but seriously...I have a fucking secretary) and I went with the class. It was disgustingly cute and a great team-building activity. I really love my class.

I'm at school, trying to grade papers and write letters to my new students. I should probably continue with that.

Cunt, NaNoWriMo, Mandy Moore, etc.

So ends my 2nd full week of school. What a ride it's been.

Last night was my 2nd Women's Forum class. Rachel came and spoke to the class about the experiences that she had taking Women's Studies classes at PSU and being a feminist/girl in a band.

We read the introduction to Cunt. I always do that thing where I think that something is going to be all right to read/watch in class and then when it comes time and I'm reading it out loud or we're watching it...I realize, "What the fuck am I doing?? Do I want to get myself fired??"

Anyway, it was a really fun class. We had some healthy snacks (half of the girls tried hummus for the first time in their lives...which is totally insane to me) and had an egg toss to get to know one another (they had to pick a partner that they didn't already know) and talked about times when we've witnessed sexism in our lives.

A bunch of girls stayed after class to talk to me and ask a bunch of questions. Two girls are convinced that I am Mandy Moore's twin. At first, I was insulted and completely disagreed, but hey...it's better than the only other two I've gotten, which are Jennifer Tilly and Kat Von D.


My last update is NaNoWriMo...to do or not to do (for both myself and/or my students). I started making a flyer just to advertise it for this month and half-way through October. If it generates any interest at all, I'd probably be willing to give credit for any participants. Should I start my novel over again or should I try something new? So many decisions...so little time. Maybe I should try and coordinate with Amy Taramasso or Jerry Eaton. I have a lot of things to do this next week.

That's the update for now. Stay tuned.

The teaching journal with the lamest name, ever.

So, yeah. This is me starting my blog. All the other good names were already taken.

I decided to not continue with my livejournal account, because I was in high school when I started to write in it. Now, I am a high school teacher. I will, however, not delete it. It serves as a record of all the choices I made and feelings I had from about 2000-kind of currently. I meddled with it a but in Portland, but for the most part, it was my California life...my life with Cole...my life in retail/restaurants...my life in my undergrad...high school...frustrated.

This is my life now. This is my life without the aforementioned things. This is my life in a beautiful house with good people. This is my life with my own room--pretty much my first own room. It's filled with golds, reds and greens, ferret shit, antlers and skulls. This is my life as an English teacher. This is my life as someone who has not given up their beliefs or morals, but has learned to change and grow as a person, regardless.

Enjoy.