The weekend, a list, the future,

It was a weird weekend.

I'm frustrated with certain parts of my life that I wish I could change. I need to see a doctor soon about my hypothyroidism. I think it gets worse in the winter too--on top of having no metabolism and having to actually try and not get tired/fat, it's rainy and cold. I need to get off of my lazy ass and get over to that gym. I need to set goals for myself. I think I'm doing that first-year teacher thing where work becomes more important than health.

I don't think I'm a bad-looking broad, I'm just never happy with my body. It's funny how the past looks like in hindsight. In high school, I was never really happy about my body, but now I look back at pictures of myself and I say, "Wow, I had a pretty decent body." Why couldn't I have been happy then? I guess no one is really satisfied with what they have when they have it. (This is a picture of me today, taken from a webcam I found in my basement that Bjorn left behind)--->

One of my students has been constantly unhappy with the way things are going in her life. She thinks that no one appreciates/recognizes her, so she may as just drop out of school and become what everyone expects her to be. Wanting her to realize that there is so much more to life than high school, I had her make a list of things that make her happy/things that she has to look forward to after she graduates. Seeing as how my negativity has taken hold of me, I feel that I need to take a dose of my own medicine:

1. My family. I really love my dad, sister and mom. I'm so lucky to have a family that I can call constantly and tell everything to. I rarely hide things from them, except for new tattoos (my mom can't handle it).

2. My career. My students and co-workers make my job enjoyable and it's the first time in my life that I really feel like I am making a difference in people's lives and I absolutely love doing it.

3. My ferrets. They are my favorite roommates except that Frejya keeps shitting in my heating vents and Faulkner can't stop scratching himself right now!

4. Everything surrounding my house--my awesome roommates, my decadently-decorated room, my beautiful kitchen, etc.

5. Scott. He's the nicest person I've ever dated and he makes me feel like a million bucks.

I actually feel a little better now. I finally took my own advice for once. I know everything is going to be fine. I think I'm just feeling a little anxious because I've been talking to Cole lately and have been missing my relationship with him--mostly just the friends aspect (Cole was my entire life for a very long time--the division line between our 2 selves was nearly invisible--it's hard living here without him sometimes. I miss him terribly, ugh).

I've lately been deprived of my long-time friends and I haven't been home in almost a year (the longest amount of time yet!). I have only Portland people in my life right now, and although it's going well, there's this pull and ache to re-connect with people, especially my best friend who is nearly non-existent in my life, oddly enough following the breakup with Cole, which is when I needed her the most. I'm such a sickeningly nostalgic person. I constantly look back at old letters, pictures, journal entries...and I sicken myself with sadness. It's sick.

BUT, I look back to my list and I must realize that I have so much and I need to stop bitching. I know everything is going to be fine. I just need for the holidays to get here so I can go back to Southern California to see my family, Jessica Seeley, Jeska Rosen, and other Ventura people.

Good night.