Thinking about this trip made me think about all the trips I have taken in the last 5 or so years--trips have several different functions. Although this one was not chock-full of parties, bars (not a bad thing) and craziness, it made me realize a lot of things (plus, I got a lot of sleep). Trips, oddly enough, seem to come at the beginning or ending of big events in my life. Nepal was at a pertinent point in me and Cole's relationship, Europe was the first real break we had in years and the San Fran trips over the summer were connected to graduation, moving on and testing the waters with a few, new fellows and realizing that I was really, really falling for one. I think that this trip, in particular, is a major necessity in order to be removed from everything that is changing (career, boyfriend, friends) and be thrown into new territory without my comfort-things. No ferrets, no familiar bed, no nothing. I am here with my bag and a million loose ideas rattling around in my head. Now to piece them altogether is the trick.
And who knows when this will begin to happen? Maybe on a napkin in the airport, my notebook on the plane, the back of a receipt in Portland? All I know is that I want change, yet I lean toward stagnancy. I want comfort, but I'm always going out of my way to be uncomfortable. I want to be cared for, but I can't let go of my independence. I want love, but I am unable to say the words. I get tired of doing things for other people, but I can't fathom letting go of control.
I think one of the biggest reasons why I feel this way is that I grew up too fast--graduated college too early, fell for love too early, moved away too early, started my career too early...but I think back to when I was younger, and all I could do was think about being at this point in my life. Now, I think back to those simpler times and I wonder why I ever wanted to get here so quick? Why didn't I think about my life when I was living it? It's like, when you gain something new, you have to let some of your old things die. There's so much new and I think I'm scared to find out what has died.
1 comment:
Yeah, you've got a lot under your belt at a young age, but I don't think it's anything you should regret. Having a marketable education--and by that, I mean, you can rest comfortably that you could get a job in teaching at any point in your life--is so important. Think about countless people (like our dad) that, in unsteady times in the job market, find themselves teaching because it's so much more steady than most forms of skilled work. You are young, and there's still a ton of things that you can do. You could reinvent yourself a few times over before you'd really have to start worrying about "a steady career." I say embrace it, and if in a few years you're itching to do something different, then you can! You can go back to school, you could take off in a whole other direction.
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